The Moroccan Bath Misadventure

My husband is a very kind man. That wasn’t a set up for a joke. He really is very thoughtful, most of the time at least. 

He knew I was having a stressful week so surprised me with a gift voucher for a Moroccan bath. It would be my first time and I was looking forward to a relaxing spa day with a nice hot tub and massage. 

Upon arrival I was escorted into the changing room. Once my robe was on I was guided into another room. There wasn’t a hot tub, or a pool, it looked like a large, empty shower area. For a minute I thought I was in a scene from Orange is the New Black.

Then a very short woman walked in wearing a wet suit. She lathered me up, rinsed me off and put me in a steam room for 15 minutes. It was so hot in there I couldn’t breathe! It was like I was eating steam and it got stuck in my throat. I was sweating from places I didn’t know could perspire.    

I came out drenched and she said “now I will clean you!” I didn’t know how shy I was until that moment. She scrubbed me (very thoroughly) with what I can only describe as sand paper made into gloves. And let me tell you, that little woman was strong! 

They scrub your body to remove dead skin, but I think some new skin got removed too. The good news is that I no longer needed a wax and lost 10 pounds. 

Then she applied mud all over me and had me lay on a massive marble slab. I went to hop on it and slid right off! It was so slick I literally slid across the slab and my flab crashed landed in the corner! The woman ran over to me. I was so embarrassed but needed to say something. Of all things, “like butta” is what bellowed out!

We were both in shock as she tried to pull me up but her hand slid out of mine. She reached again, and the same thing happened! Talk about a slippery situation! 

At this point we were both trying not to crack up, well, me more than her (literally, ha!) I finally asked her to give me some alone time and leave me a tiny bit of dignity!

I managed to crawl back onto the slab and I laid there for a good 10 minutes. She came back in with rubber dish gloves and helped me off the table. 

After rinsing the mud off I went into the massage room. I think this woman had MMA and contortion training because at one point both of her feet were on the table next to my head as she pulled my feet up towards my shoulders. Afterwards I told her “wow, you really put the rockin’ in Moroccan!”

Over all it was an interesting experience and a great source for comedy material. My skin was certainly smooth however, I was bruised for a week afterwards (as was my pride.)

If you decide to go for a Moroccan bath I encourage you to pack your own bikini, gripped shower/pool shoes and rubber gloves. Learn from my mistakes people!

hamam


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